In today’s edition of Things My Kids Say, we have what I like to call “Bible Lessons with Toddlers.” It’s amazing what this kid learns at church…

Virgil: Mommy, I learned at church that Noah was swallowed by a bear.

Me: No, son, Noah built a boat, Jonah was swallowed by a whale, and David killed a bear.

Virgil: No, mommy, Noah was swallowed by a bear. And when I was a boy, I was swallowed by a bear, too. But Spider Man came to save me and when he did I said, “Thank you! Thank you, Spider Man.”

There are no words…

Well, I learned something today. Apparently my son already knows about the birds and the bees. And I’ve just been schooled on exactly how I ended up with my children.

Virgil: Mom, did you know that we are your presents?

Me: Yes, I did! You are a gift from God!

Virgil: Yes! God wrapped us up in pretty boxes and He put ribbons on them. And then he gave the boxes to Jesus and Jesus got in his car and brought us to you!

Me: You know son, you’re absolutely right!

Lesson: learned. Whew. I’m glad that talk is out of the way…

My son is more clever by the day. I have officially been bested by a three year old…

Virgil: Mom, I’m thirsty.

Me: Okay, buddy. I’ll make you some water.

Virgil: I don’t like water.

Me: Well water is very important to drink everyday.

Virgil: Well then why don’t you drink water and I’ll drink some juice? That’s the plan, ok?

Me: *shaking my head and wondering where I got this child…

My son has a problem interrupting these days. I’m aware it’s an epidemic among three year olds, but it’s annoying so I’m trying to end the habit. I told him today that if he needs to talk, he can tap a grown up on the arm and say, “Excuse me.” While I was in the middle of my speech on the importance of not being interrupted, I was interrupted with…

Virgil: Umm, excuse me.

Me: Yes, son. What do you need to say?

Virgil: Ummm…
Ummmm…
Umm…
Ummmmm…
Ummmm…
Umm…
Ummmmm…
I…
I need to…
I need to…
Ummm…
Talk.

Me: ….

Today’s Edition: Toddler grocery lists. This boy knows how to entice a mom (notice the strategic placement of vegetables on the list). This boy has my number…

Virgil: Mommy, I want to go to Walmart.

Me: You do? What for?

Virgil: I need groceries.

Me: What groceries do you need?

Virgil: Bread, Ice Cream, a Monster Truck and Peas.

Me: Well son, sounds like you’ve got your priorities straight.

Sometimes, a doctor’s gotta go too…

Virgil: (Wearing his stethoscope) Mommy, I’m a doctor!

Me: You are?

Virgil: Yes, it’s time for your check up!

Me: Okay!

Virgil: You are doing great! (a few seconds later…) I need to tinkle!!! The doctor needs to tinkle!!!

Me: Okay, buddy.

Virgil: Can you say, “Okay, Dr. Virgil?”

Me: Yes, Dr. Virgil. I’ve never had to help my doctor go pee before, but I suppose there really is a first time for everything.