Sometimes I feel like I’m walking a high wire. Perched between what could be and what already is, I walk precariously the fine line in hopes I that I don’t misstep and fall flat on my face. I get going pretty good sometimes and think I’ve got it under control. But I always forget to factor in the wind…
The wind can be the whim of a friend, the economy, the attitude I have on a given day. And when it comes, it always shakes me to the core.
So I do some soul searching and realize that I shouldn’t be bothered by the wind, let alone the precarious high wire, if I’m truly walking in faith.
And then when I realize I’m not truly walking in faith, I have to stop and ask why. And that’s where I am today.
Some days I wake up knowing exactly who I am and what I want. Some days I wake up and the wind hits me. When it does, I get scared and wonder if I’m on the right path. Could I be doing something differently? What mistakes am I making? Why aren’t things going the way I’d planned for them to go?
Then, subtely and surely, I am reminded that it was never mine to figure out. It was never my fate to decide. I gave it up a long time ago.
And it’s this place exactly – the one place I always think that I never want to be – that is the one place God wants me to be: in complete, total, dependant and blind faith. Admittedly, it’s scary. No one likes giving up control. I especially, being the “get it done” kind of gal I am, have a hard time relinquishing the death grip I have on control. But I know, only due to deep personal experience, that it’s much better to just let go. As cliche as this is, God really does know what he’s doing… I just keep thinking he’s going to fill me in on his grand scheme for the universe.
Guess I’ll have to get over that one…